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    *** THE PROPHET'S (PBUH) MARRIAGE TO KHADIJAH ***

                        by Dr. Ahmed El-Kadi


 Dr. El-Kadi is a respected Muslim leader, both here in North America
 and abroad. He has been active in numerous local, national, and international
 Islamic organizations. In North America, he has held positions of
 leadership within MAYA, ISNA, MYNA, and IMA. Currently, he resides
 in Panama City, where he has been instrumental in establishing a
 full-time Islamic school (with Islamic curriculum) and a medical
 research institute which researches the effects/benefits of Prophetic
 medicines. By profession, he is a (retired) heart surgeon.


Introduction
------------

        The period of the Prophet's family life during his marriage to
his first wife, Khadijah, could be considered as the prototype of an
Islamic family life. This implies that we should look at this period as
the ideal example for family relationships, practices, and attitudes which
we should emulate. There is a lesson to be learned from each aspect of
this relationship, starting with the circumstances surrounding its onset,
followed by the numerous, happy and sad incidents known to us that filled
this period of the Prophet's life. For the purpose of brevity , only a
few specific observations will be discussed.


Circumstances
-------------

        The first observation is related to the circumstances surrounding the
onset of this marriage. The age of the Prophet was 25 years, which is probably
the optimal age of marriage for a man. Khadijah was 40 years old at that time.
It this point should mean anything, it is to show that the traditional expecta-
tion that the wife's age should be close to, or slightly less than the husband's
is not necessarily true all the time. What counts actually is not the age,
but the maturity and compatibility. Another point of this observation is the
fact that the Prophet was independent, gainfully employed, and very successful.
His efficient work performance and excellent business ability were actually one
the main reasons Khadijah was attracted to him. Although Khadijah was wealthy
and able to support the household, the Prophet (pbuh) continued to work and
produce. This is another pointer for our husbands-to-be, that he is able to
provide for the family. A third point is the fact that Khadijah was the one
who approached the Prophet regarding the marriage through her friend, Nafeesah.
Many of the Muslims feel that it is not appropriate for a girl or her guardian
to approach a man regarding marriage, and that the man is the one who should
ask for the girl's hand. The example of the Prophet's marriage to Khadijah
shows that such a tradition is just a matter of false pride. It is quite
appropriate for a female seeking marriage, or for her guardian, to approach
a qualified candidate regarding marriage, as long as this is done in a decent,
proper way. It should actually be the duty of the parents to look for the
proper righteous husbands for their daughters, since these righteous husbands
are usually difficult to find these days.

        Another observation is related to the type of relation and attitude
between Muhammad (pbuh) and Khadijah. This family relationship was charac-
terized by love, respect, and appreciation; by hard work, support, and
cooperation; and above all, by unprecedented loyalty that lasted till the
end of the Prophet's life, even after the death of Khadijah. How did the
Prophet (pbuh) achieve such a beautiful relationship?


The Prophet's (pbuh) Character
------------------------------

        One clue to this beautiful relationship was the beautiful standard of
character of the Prophet (pbuh) himself. When Ayeshah was asked about the
character of the Prophet (pbuh), she answered: `His character was the Qur'an;
whatever upset Allah, upset him; and whatever pleased Allah, pleased him;
and after Allah had perfected his character, He praised him by saying in the
Qur'an:

        "And verily, you have an exalted standard of character..."
                                                        (Qur'an 68:4)

        It was the consensus of all those who knew the Prophet (pbuh) that
he was gentle and kind; generous and noble; thoughtful and considerate;
honest and sincere; loyal and trustworthy. He liked the good and disliked
the evil. He had a sense of humour without excess; he joked but
always spoke the truth; he was simple but firm; he was humble though he
had great wisdom and knowledge; he was an example of morality; and he
was a mercy to anyone who got in touch with him. True was Allah's
description of him:

        "We sent you not but as a mercy for all creatures ..." (21:107)

        Anyone who saw him, respected him. And anyone who got to know him,
loved him. With all the beautiful features listed above, it is no wonder that
he won the heart of Khadijah as he won the hearts of all his followers and
companions. The Qur'an teaches us that goodness would convert enemy to friend:

        "Nor can Goodness and Evil be equal. Repel (evil) with what is
         better, then the one who was your enemy becomes as he were your
         best friend and intimate..."
                                        (Surah 41:34)

If goodness can make a friend out of an enemy, it can definitely increase
and strengthen the ties with a love one.


Mutual Support and Counseling
-----------------------------

        This simple but true fact is commonly ignored by many marriage
partners. They take the relationship between them for granted. They may
express their kind feelings to outsiders and show their best behaviour to
strangers, but when they deal with each other, each assumes that the other
already knows his or her feelings. They take each other's feelings for
granted. If each partner shows the best of himself or herself to his/her
partner, many shaky marriages will become healthy and successful again.
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) gave us the best example in this respect. He always
showed his best side to his family. He always asked the believers to be good
to their families, and when it comes to good deeds, own should start with
those he is in charge of.

        Another clue to the realization of an ideal family relationship such
as the one which existed between the Prophet (pbuh) and his wife, Khadijah,
was the mutual counseling and support. A single incident will be quoted
to make a point. I was the time when the Prophet (pbuh) received the first
revelation. The magnitude and the impact of this incident was so great that it
literally shook him up. Whom did he go to for counsel and support in such a
difficult time? Did he go this best friend? Or to his lawyer? Or to his
professor or advisor? Or to the elder of the community or tribe? None of
these. He went to his wife Khadijah. He asked her for support and for her
opinion, and apparently  he knew what he was doing. She responded in the most
appropriate manner. She did not faint or panic. She ated in the most comforting
and supportive way, and filled him with confidence. She was quoted to say:

"Be steadfast and have good news. By the one who has khadijah's soul in
His hand, I wish you become the Prophet of the this nation. By God, God will
never let you down. You are kind to the kin, you are truthful in your word,
you carry the weak, you host your guest, and you support the afflicted."

        Someone may ask: what would this single incident mean? It means
quite a lot. This type of mutual trust and confidence does not develop
instantly. It is rather the result of long years of exposure, testing
and practice. In such a challenging and difficult situation, the Prophet (pbuh)
would not seek counsel and support from someone he had not trusted and
tried before.

        The point to be made is that the mutual counseling and support
between marriage partners is an essential ingredient for a successful family
life. IT serves two purposes: One is that a very useful source of counsel and
support must be utilized rather than wasted. Second, the consulted partner
will develop confidence, in addition to a sense of participation and
appreciation, which will further strengthen family ties.


Helping Around the House
------------------------

        Another clue was the Prophet's participation in the activities of
his family, giving a helping hand whenever he could. When Ayeshah was asked:

"What did the Prophet (pbuh) do at home?" She replied: "He would be involved
in the service of his family, and when the time for prayers was due, he would
wash up and go out for prayers."

        Unfortunately, may men feel that it is beneath their dignity to
participate in housework. It is true that the home and housekeeping are
usually the domain and responsibility of the wife, but a helping hand by a
husband can be of great value. On the one hand, it will help the husband
to undertstand and appreciate the duties and problems of his wife. On the
other hand, it will signal to the wife his interest and caring attitude.
Besides, his behaviour will be an example to the children, who might feel
that housework is for mothers only. Sometimes the services of the husband
are not needed, or not feasible. Here, gestures of goodwill and willingness
to help are all that is needed. At other times, his service at home may be
badly needed. In such a case, any time he can spare to serve his family
is time well-spent. Of course, the service provided could be physical,
spiritual, or intellectual.


Respect for the family
----------------------

        Another clue was the Prophet's (pbuh) respect for his family.
Ayeshah said:

        "The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) has never beaten a wife or a
         servant, and he has never hit anything with his hand except
         when fighting in the cause of Allah."

        Although physical discipline may be required or justified in a crisis
and when dealing with immature individuals where reason and logic are of no
value, the Prophet (pbuh) always discouraged this mode of action. The normal
treatment of mature individuals should be based mainly on logic, reason and
sound understanding. The main miracle of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is the
Qur'an, which is a message to the minds of all people. IT is the Islamic
approach to utilize mainly the mind and reasoning rather than to paralyze and
overpower the person by physical means. When it comes to corrective action,
a serious word or look or gesture could be more effective and even more
painful than beating with a whip. Physical means are saved for the ones who
do not have enough mind to understand. When beating has to be used along
these lines, the Prophet (pbuh) teaches us that one should not hurt and that
one should avoid the face. The Prophet (pbuh), however, gives us a marvelous
reminder:
                "The best among you do not beat."

There is indeed a great message in this short statement.


Stability in Face of Hardships
------------------------------

        Another clue to the successful marriage was the stability and good
faith of the partners when facing difficulties and afflictions. Many husbands
and wives are taken by frustration and despair when they face difficult
problems. Some lose control and completely break down. Many families fall
apart after loss of money, failure of business, or any other type of trauma.
The Prophet (pbuh) and his wife faced a great many difficulties, including the
loss of children (especially the loss of boys in a society which used to
kill female infants out of shame). In addition, they suffered the rejection
and persecution inflicted on them by their own people. Their response did
not consist in breaking down, or giving up. These difficulties probably
increased their determination to build up their efforts to cope with
difficulties. This clue should be a good lesson for all marriage partners who
are shaken by the least of tremors in their family life.



Loyalty
-------

        Another feature of the relationship between Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
and his wife Khadijah, was his unprecedented loyalty to her. Loyalty is
actually a cause and a result of the ideal marital relationship which
existed between them. Loyalty is not just the lack of cheating, or lack
of having extra-marital relations. Loyalty can be an on-going positive
attitude which can be expressed in many actions, words or gestures. The
resultant strenghthening of personal relations between the partners will
in turn increase their loyalty towards one another. Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) remained loyal to Khadijah to the end of his life, long after her
death. Ayeshah used to say that she was not jealous of any woman more than
Khadijah, although Khadijah was already dead, because the Prophet (pbuh)
always had the best memories of her. The Prophet (pbuh) also had a special
kind of feeling towards anyone Khadijah used to like.


Hard Work, Together for the Sake of Allah
-----------------------------------------

        One more feature of the happy marriage to Khadijah was that it
was not a restful and easy-going one. Besides love and affection, there was
a great deal of struggle and hard work to spread the message of Islam.
When the Prophet (pbuh) received the second revelation:

        "O you wrapped up. Arise and deliver thy warning..."
                                                (Surah 74, 1-2)

which woke him from his sleep, breathing heavily and sweating profusely, his
wife Khadijah approached him gently to go back to bed and have some sleep
and rest. His answer was:

"O Khadijah, the time for sleep and rest is over. Jibril has commanded me
 to warn the people and call them to Allah and His worship. Whom should
 I call? And who is going to respond to me?"

Khadijah comforted him and anxiously declared her Islam and her acceptance
of the prophethood of her husband. From then on, it was like a Da'wah team,
striving together in the cause of Allah.

        This lesson is for every family, where one partner is upset and
concerned because the other partner has to work hard in the cause of Allah.
It would make things a lot easier if both partners did this work together
and started their won Da'wah team. Part of the Da'wah work will naturally
go towards their won personal education and the teaching of their children.
By doing it this way, the frustration will subside, and the joy and pleasure
will grow.

        The above listed aspects and many more, all contributed to the develop-
ment of the beautiful relationship between Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and his
wife Khadijah.

        The marriage to Khadijah was a "one wife marriage". For 25 years
of the Prophet's prime age and in a time and place where unlimited polygamy
was quite acceptable, and until the death of Khadijah, it remained a monoga-
mous marriage. Could it be that Divine wisdom wanted this aspect to be one
of the features of this "model marriage" for all of us to emulate under
normal circumstances?