Mutual Rights and Obligations
From: Marriage in Islam by Muhammad Abdul-Rauf, Ph.D
Chapter 4
A HAPPY CONJUGAL HOUSEHOLD
Mutual Rights and Obligations including Sex Etiquette
In order to ensure an atmosphere of harmony and to promote a
cheerful and successful life in the newly established nest of the
newlyweds, Islam has provided guidance in defining the relationship
between husband and wife and in distributing the rights and
obligations arising from this relationship.
In Islam the husband is the head of the household. This is
not male chauvenism. It derives from the natural psychological and
physical makeup of the male. Man does not suffer from a regular
monthly indisposition with its attendant adverse psychological
effects. He does not have to be confined by pregnancy or for
delivery; nor can he feed children from his breasts. He is therefore
always ready to go out and search for sustenance for himself and his
dependents. In fact it was Islam which delivered woman from her
plight. It established her equality with man both theoretically and
practically. It restored her dignity and recovered her freedom. The
Koran stresses her right to benefit from the fruits of her efforts as
much as man is entitled to benefit from his (IV, 7). It severely
condemned the old customs of ill-treating women (XVI, 58/59,and LXXXI
8/9), and protected their rights in one of the longest chapters, IV,
which is given the title "Women." We have already noticed that in the
process of the marriage contract, the bride initiates the offer of
marriage, a significant detail which emphasizes her spontaneous free
action in making this most important decision.
Let us now set out to consider the obligations imposed by Islam
upon the husband toward his wife , and then proceed to discuss those of the
wife toward her husband.
THE HUSBAND'S DUTIES
1. A husband is responsible for the protection, happiness and
maintenance of his wife. He is responsible for the cost of her food,
clothes and accommodation. Although she may have to cook, he has to
buy her the raw materials and cooking and kitchen facilities, as may
be required and applicable. He may also have to buy her two sets of
clothes or more each year, providing the types of clothing suitable
for the seasons. However, the number of sets of clothes and their
quality depend on the husbands means and social requirements. A wife
is also entitled to a comfortable, independent accomodation, suitably
furnished and provided with basiic sanitation facilities. She is not
obliged to stay with the husband's parents or relatives as he is not
obliged to live with hers. She is also entitled to enjoy herslef with
her husband in a relaxed atmophere, free from the embarrassment caused
by the presence of another adult in the household The cost of smoking
or of a forbidden fruit or drink is not to be provided by the husband.
2. In addition to providing these material needs, a husband
has to be kind, understanding and forgiving, and must treat his wife
in a tender and loving manner. He not only should avoid hurting her
but should bear with her if she ever does something disagreeable, so
long as this clemency does not spoil her and she does not habitually
behave out of bounds. The Koran reads:
...and treat them [women] kindly. [IV,19}
And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
[Fear] God, [fear] God in the matter of women.
They are weak partners, a trust from God with you;
and they are made by the divine word permissible for you.
He also says:
Whoever of you whose wife behaves in a disagreeable manner and he
responds by kindness and patience, God will give him rewards as much
as Job will be given for his patience.
Patient behavior was the practice of the Prophet, even when his wife
dared to address him harshly. Once his mother-in-law- saw her daugher
strike him with her fist on his noble chest. When the enraged mother
-in-law began to reproach her daugher, the Prophet smilingly said,
"Leave her alone; they do worse than that." And once Abu Bakr, his
father-in-law, was invited to settle some misunderstanding between him
and Aishah. The Prophet said to her, "Will you speak, or shall I
speak?" Aisha said, "You speak, but do not say except the truth."
Abu Bakr was so outraged that he immediately struck her severely,
forcing her to run and seek protection behind the back of the Prophet.
Abu Bakr said, "O you the enemy of herself! Does the Messenger of God
say but the truth?" The Propeht said, "O Abu Bakr, we did not invite
you for this [harsh dealing with Aishah], nor did we anticipate it."
3. It is further recommended that a husband be relaxed with
his wife, and cheer her up with his humor or by making agreeable jokes.
The Prophet, peace and belessings be upon him, in spite of his lofty
status, used to play with his wife. He ran in competition with
Aishah. Sometimes she won, and other times he won. And once,
hearing an Abyssinian entertainment team playing outside the home, the
Prophet said to Aisha, "Would you like to see them?" When she agreed,
he sent for them and they came and performed in front of his door.
The Prophet stretched his hand, putting his palm on the open door and
letting Aisha's chin rest on his arm so that she culd see
comfortably. A while later the Propeht asked Aishah, "Enough?" She
said, "Silence!" Another while later he asked, "Enough?" and the
answer was again, "Silence!" But when he asked her for the third time,
"Enough? she agreed, "Yes," and the team went away on a gesture from
the Prophet. He then said, "The most perfect belief is that of those
who are best-mannered and most tender with their wives. " The Propeht
also used to say, "Surely God does not love a rough person who is
boastful, and rude to his wife." A Bedouin widow once described her
husband: "He came always with a smile and left with a greeting. When
he was hungry he ate whatever was found, and did not bother when
something was missing!"
4. It is of supreme importance that the husband endeavor to
handle the matter of sex relations with skill, care and understanding.
He should not regard his wife as an object for his own enjoyment alone
but as a partner with whom he should always seek mutual bliss,
satisfaction and fulfillment. He should always approach her with love
and tenderness. In the early stages of marriage, especially in their
first expereince on the wedding day, he has to be particulary gentle.
The husband should always have due regard for his wife's feelings and
should endeavor to let her reach the degree of full satisfaction in
this respect. Because of the importance of this element, early Muslim
authorities discussed such details as love play, the techniques that
arouse excitement, and the question of orgasm. The right Islamic
literature treating this subject far exceeds and is more original and
stimulatiing than- but not so obscene as-the crude and vulgar
material now in wide circulation in the West. We may discuss here
some of the remarks made by these early authorities. They stress the
importance of premliminary love play-caresses, fondling, kissing,
endearing words- in order to arouse the wife's sexual passion and
prepare for a deeper sensation and a successful conclusion. At the
beginning of actual coitus, it is recommended that the following
prayer be said:
In the name of Almighty God, the Most High,
Please,God, ward off the evil forces away
from us and from the blessings You bestow upon us.
The authorities also recommend that in the process of coitus,
especially before full penetration, the excitable areas of the male
genitals be gently provoked to contribute to completl fulfillment. We
have to remind the reader, however, that even at this moment of
absorption and ecstasy, propriety and cleanliness have to be
maintained. On the one hand, both partners may utter exclamations or
ejaculations venting or expressing the intensity of their pleasure,
which also may increase the degree of their excitation; but neither may
scream to the degree of disrupting the natural privacy of the act.
Some Companions of the Prophet, peace be upon him, recommend the
repetition of the words: Allahu Akbar, "God is Great."
On the other hand, it is to be remembered that the liquid
(lubricating) material discharged by the sex organs on excitement is
counted as a pollution and a polluting element in Islam and that a
Muslim is forbidden to smear a part of his or her body with a
polluting stuff unnecessarily. Therefore the custom of licking the
excitable areas with the tongue said to prevail in the West may not
only be unhealthy; it is also forbidden on that account. We also feel
that it is indeed disgusting; and this disgust might in the long run
plant the seeds of hatred in the hearts of the couple and ultimately
break their rellationship.
The position to be assumed by male and female in relation to
each other during coitus occupied a great deal of the attention of
Muslim authors who treated the subject. They compiled some fifteen basic
different positions; and within each choice they suggest varieties of details.
We do not need to discuss this matter here at length, since husband
and wife, in their search for their own fulfillment, can easily
discover these varieties and select what they find to be most suitable
and comfortable for themselves. Muslim writers also emphasize that
the husband should endeavor to achieve mutual orgasm. If he should
fail to hold out sufficiently for his partner, they say he should
continue his efforts to have her reach a climax. To rush away from
her too soon might be injurious.
They also recommend that parting at the end of the act should
be slow, pleasant and cordial, not abrupt or indifferent.
After some rest both parties have to have the full ablution
(a bath). This duty does not need to be rushed; but when the time of
the next prayer comes, it has to be performed to remove the ceremonial
pollution arising from coitus. Prior to having this bath, the
parties, like a woman during her priod of menstrual dischage, are
forbidden to perform prayers or to touch or read the Koran.
Moreover, it is better to delay hair cutting and fingernail-clipping
until after the ablution.
It is also recommended that the husband seek to introduce changes
and variations in his approach and in the performance, even in little
details, in order to avoid boredom. Variations also create a sense of
novelty, and novelty stimulates interest and curiosity; and this
intensifies the feeling of pleasure and enjoyment. These Muslim
etiquettes are probably best summed up in the following words
attributed to the Prophet:
Let not one of you fall upon his woman in the manner a male
animal suddenly jumps over its female victim. Let there be
a messenger [to go] between them." He was asked, "What is
the messenger, O Messenger of God?" He said, "Kissing and
endearing speech.
Another tradition reads:
Three practices are shortcomings in a man; namely, to fail
to enquire about the name of a man he has just encountered,
but was worty of friendship; to refuse a favor extended to
him in good faith; and to assault his woman without
introductory entertainment [to stimulate her] and so he
satisfies his own desire before she can achieve her own fulfillment.
When one of you retires with his wife, let them not strip
off their clothes completely in an animal-like manner; and
let him begin by [stimulating her by the use of] fine exciting
speech and by kissing.
In the course of their game of pleasure a husband and his wife may
enjoy and fondle any part of the body of each other; and their engagement
in this kind of activity is regarded as a type of divine devotion. However,
a husband is discouraged from looking at his wife's gentials, perhaps for its
adverse psychological effect. Moreover, coitus is strictly forbidden during
the menstrual period; and penertration in the back passage is always forbidden.
If the femal genitals are to be avoided during the menstrual period,
presumably because of their temporary blood pollution, a filthier
pollution is an enternal factor in the case of the back passage.
Prohibition also applies to all types of unnatural and unproductive
activities, whether committed between two persons of the same sex or
otherwise.
Early Muslim authorities also discussed the advisable frequency of
coitus. Some advised that the experience should be repeated at least
once every four days. It seems, however, that the matter of frequency
should be left to the mood and the personal inclination of the
parties concerned, which indeed depend on many factors, including
their age and the condtion of their health.
5. A husband should also see to it that his wife has sufficient
knowledge of her religious obligations and encourage her in observing
her devotional duties. Of special importance are the rules pertaining
to the menstrual period. During this period, as well as during the
period of postnatal dischange, the oblgation of mandatory prayer is
lifted; and coitus is forbidden. The prohibition of coitus is lifted
when the blood discharge has stopped and the woman has had the
ablution of a full bath.
6. A husband should not harbor doubts or suspicion about his wife
unduly. Jealousy is indeed a natural element; and a husband is not to be
too indulgent or to remain indifferent in reasonably provocative situations,
and surely must guard his wife against all corruptive influences. Yet he
should not allow fanciful thoughts to engage his mind and should not behave
in a spying manner toward his wife. The Prophet, peace and blessings be
upon him, said:
There is a type of jealousy which God loves and there is
another type which God hates. As for that which God loves,
it is the jealousy which is provoked by a legitimate cause
of suspicion; and that which God hates is the jealousy which
is unduly aroused.
The Prophet once asked Fatimah, his own daugher, "What is best for a
woman?" She replied, "That she should not mix with men and men should not
mix with her." The Prophet, who was pleased with her answer, hugged her
and said, "An offspring resembling its roots." Thus a happy life depends
on mutual trust between the partners; and all that has to be done is to
keep away from situations that are likely to incite evil or arouse suspicion.
[...]
8. If the wife becomes pregnant, her husband should display greater
consideration for her and should do all he can to alleviate her discomfort.
When she is delivered, he should be grateful to God for her safety and for
what God has beneficently graced them with. If his wife has been delivered of
a male child, he should not go out of his way to show his pleasure; and if it
is a female, he should not at all feel disheartened. After all, he does not
know which is better for him. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him,
says:
Whoever is graced with a daughter and treats her well and lavished
upon her some of the favors God has bestowed upon him, she will be a
protection for him against the punishment of the Hell Fire.
Whoever brings home some good things to his children, it will be
counted as a divine charity for him. Let him begin by giving the
female ones. Whoever cheers up a female child shall have the merit of
him who weeps out of divine fear of God; and whoever so intensely
fears God, God will protect him from the Hell Fire.
Whoever has two daughers or two sisters under his care and treats
them well, he will be my companion in Paradise.
A child, however, should be given a good name, evein if it is
delivered in a miscarriage. And shortly after a child's safe birth,
the full text of the call to prayer should be recited in its right
ear, and the short one in its left ear. It is recommended that a boy
be circumcised on the seventh day of his birth, excluding the day of
birth itself. Whether it is a boy or a girl, it is recommended that
the family then hold a feast for which a lamb or larger animal should
be sacrificed. Some of the meat should be distributed to the poor, as
well as the value of gold whose weight is the weight of the baby's
hair. The sacrifice offered on the seventh day of birth is known as
'aqiqah.
THE WIFE'S DUTIES
1. The first task of the wife is to create a home a soft relaxing
atmosphere in which she and her husband can live together smoothly, happily
and enjoyably. The way in which this is to be acheived depends on her taste
and their means and upon prevaling values and conditions.
2. A wife must be faithful and devoted to her husband. Her loyalty is
due to him first, even before her kin. She should avoid associating with
undesirable or suspicous elements and should not entertain alone any male
friends.
3. The management of the household is the wife's primary
responsibility. She has to take care of meal preparation,
house-cleaning and laundry. Whether she undertakes these tasks
herself or has them done under her careful supervision, it is her task
to manage them in the best interests of the family. She may expect
some cooperation from her husband, but this should depend on what he
can afford to do. What is important is the mutual goodwill and love
which will no doubt stimulate each party to alleviate the burden of
the other as much as possible.
4. The wife should not be too demanding; she must be contented,
and appreciative of any kind gesture her husband may extend to her. She
should not insist on buying expensive clothes or luxurious peices of furniture
beyond her husband's means.
5. The wife should take care of herself in order to appear always
cheerful, charming and attractive to her husband. She should always smell
good and may reasonably apply cosmetics but should avoid excessive use of it.
Such excess is not only financially unwise but also psychologically harmful.
It makes her beauty appear to be merely artificial. An ancient Arab women
advised her daugher on her wedding day:
O my daugher! you are
leaving the home in which you were brought up to a house
unknown to you and to a companion unfamilar to you. Be a
floor to him, he will be a roof to you; be a soft seat to
him, he will be a pillar for you; and be like a slave girl
to him, he will be like a slave boy to you. Avoid
inopportune behavior, lest he should be bored with you; and
be not aloof lest he should become indifferent to you. If
he approaches you, come running to him; and if he turns away,
do not impose yourself upon him. Take care of his nose,
his eye and his ear. Let him not smell except a good odor
from you; let his eye not see you except in an agreeable
appearance; and let him hear nothing from you except
nice, fine words.
6. In managing the household, the wife should economize and avoid
extravagance. She is not to give of her husband's wealth except
within the degreee he approves of. Whatever she gives within this
degree, she will share in its divine reward; and what she gives away
beyond it will be to the advantage of her husband and to her
own disadvantage on the Day of Judgment.
[...]
An objective analysis of the above outline of the mutual rights and
obligations of a husband and wife as set out and stipulated by Islam
for the guidance of its adherents reveals the following facts:
1. The husband-wife relationship is to be based not on dry legal
rules or decisions of the court but on mutal respect, love and regard.
2. The husband is alone responsible for the entire cost of, and the
wife is the misstress of, the household. The objective of each is to
serve the other and to provide to the other means of comfort,
enjoyment and happiness; and the aim of both is to acheive optimum
bliss for themselves and to contribute through their offspring to the
perpetuation of the human race.
3. A woman is not a chattel or a blind follower but an equal partner.
However, her soft nature, her beautiful natural role as the partner who
is to provide more for the sexual attraction and excitement, her monthly
menstrual discharge with its attending psychological and physical adverse
effects, her childbearing and child-rearing--all these natural considerations,
not a male dictatorship as has recently been contended, have made her the
dependent but respected, virtuous and beloved partner.
4. Within the framework of the above basic considerations,
and within the Islamic flexibility which has regard for custom and prevaling
traditions, consistent with the moral values of Islam, the couple may choose
any type of arrangement for the distribution of their mutual
responsiblities in order to meet their needs as they may see fit in
the conditions prevailing where they live.
5. An interesting point which emphasizes that the wife does
not lose her own independent character on gettting marries is that she always
retains her full maiden name. So Miss Nancy Jones on her marriage to
Mr. Martin James is called Lady Nancy Jones and not Mrs. James. She
may be called Lady Nancy Jones, wife of Mr. James, but not simply Mrs.
James. This point is significant, as it expresses both a wife's
greater freedom under Islam and her continued relation with her own
family.