Tips to a Better Marriage
                              By Sr. Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among
yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has
put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for
those who reflect" (30: 21).

I have listed some rules that may benefit those seeking an Islamic
marriage, as well as, those who are already married. I do not pretend
to be an expert of any kind. I have learned what I know through
marrying at the early age of 18, just 9 months after em bracing
Islam. I muddled my way through much of my 14 years of marriage, and
consider myself a graduate from the 'school of hard knocks'. The rules
are:

1. Be conscious of your physical appearance. No one was more conscious
of this than the Prophet. His Sulmah reflects keen attention to
personal hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong and
muscular. Most likely the first aspect of you that attracted your mate
was your appearance, so don't think that simply because you are
married the task is over. You can't hide a weight problem under
Thawbs' (dress) and long Khimars' (veils). Your mate knows. Be aware
that you live in a society that places a high premium on physical
appearance. It flaunts the shapely female and her muscular
counterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims as
well. Don 't allow your mate to get side-tracked by the likes of a
'Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger'. Jog, join a gym, roller
skate, swim and stay in shape. Insha' Allah, you will be more vibrant,
more radiant, and more attractive to your mate.

2. Be aware of your role, but do not fall into role- playing. Muslim
spouses sometimes experience difficulties because they are trying to
do things 'by the book' without giving due consideration to the
conditions prevailing in their country. For example, most female
converts are taught that the role of the Muslim woman is to be at home
raising her  children. Supposedly, it is the man who works outside the
home to maintain the family. She may have read about Birth Control and
assumed that it has no place for the Muslimah; yet, it is worth noting
that the Prophet himself allowed coitus interruptus. If ideal Islamic
conditions prevailed, there would be no reason for a sister to worry
about her financial situation interfering with her right to bear
children. However, without an Islamic society, needy Muslim families
may have to resort to welfare and food stamps rather than Zakaah and
Sadaqah. This creates a feeling of dependence and humiliation that can
place extreme stress on a marriage. In this ease, it may be helpful
for the Muslim couple to delay having children, for the wife to work
while the children are young and until the couple 's financial
situation improves. Islam gives you this flexibility. Don't be afraid
or ashamed to use it.

3. Be a companion to your mate. Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse
's interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet would run
races with 'Ayesha. By all means try to involve your mate in your
interests.

4. Be active in Islamic community life. This will strengthen your
commitment to Islam while providing you wish a wholesome social
outlet. Encourage your spouse to engage in activities that promote
Islam. Have dinners at your home for Muslims as well as non-Muslims,
and don't neglect your relatives. These activities will indirectly
enhance the quality of your marriage through widening your circle of
activity and con~ac~s.

5. Admit your mistakes and have a forgiving, generous attitude when
your mate errs. This country is a difficult place to live in. Most
Muslims fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Be
quick to admit your shortcomings and work to amend them. Be
understanding when your mate does not live up to the Islamic ideal and
gently try to motivate him or her in the right direction.

6. Have a sense of humour. Be able to chuckle at life's minor
aggravations.

7. Be modest when around members of the opposite sex. Do not try to
test your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. This
will only cause dissension and bad feelings.

8. Share household duties. Brothers, take note. This is especially
important these days when women work outside the home. The Prophet
always helped his wives around the house and even mended his own
clothes. Who knows? You might find you actually like preparing the
evening meal or taking care of junior so your wife can have the
afternoon off. The Messenger of Allah said, "The most perfect of the
believers in faith is the best of them in moral excellence, and the
best of you are the kindest of you to their wives" (at-Tirmidhi).

9. Surprise each other with gifts. Treat her to an evening out alone,
away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift this
can give to a marriage.

10. Communicate your feelings to one another, good and bad. Tell him
how handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an open
discussion. Don ' t collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud .

11. Live within your means. Stay away from credit cards if you can.
Sisters, take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, and
belittle your husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslim
couples will do well to stay away from ostentatious living. The
Prophet did not live this way, neither should you.

12. Respect your mate's need for privacy. A quiet time to oneself,
either at home or away from home, each day can make a disagreeable
person agreeable.

13. Don 't share personal problems with others. There are a few
exceptions to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems,
make sure it is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence.
If you have a learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seek
him or her out first.

14. Be sensitive to your mate's moods. If you want to share a personal
achievement, don't do it  when your spouse is 'down in the dumps ' .
Wait for the proper time.

You may be saying to yourself, "This is
easier said than done." Well, you're right. A successful marriage
doesn't just happen. It's not simply a matter of luck or finding the
right person. It takes hard work and determination. It means being
selfless and making mistakes. It means having vengeance on your mind
but forgiveness in your heart. But, then, its perfection is "half of
faith".


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Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the
comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead
righteous. Qur'an 25:74

"The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a good
wife" (Muslim)

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates
from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity
with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts).
Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect" (30: 21).